Healing from Ghosting (With Tarot Spread)
Dramatically lit photo of a person dressed as ghost with their spooky hand outstretched.
Just in time for the spookiest season of the year I am reeling from a recent ghosting. A friend of mine that I met through astrology school in 2021 out of the blue went M.I.A. The last conversation I had with them was when they sent me and my boyfriend a plant as a condolences gift for our dog dying. We were working on a podcast together. We did Akashic readings together. We read each other’s tarot cards and astrology charts. I had their back through a break-up. We supported each other through moving out of state. We were growing in intimacy and for whatever reason they decided this friendship was no longer serving them without even the respect of telling me directly why they were peacing out.
It's been over a month since the ghosting and I am still processing my feelings. I’ve been ghosted before typically by dudes, but in my experience friend ghosting hurts more. A guy I fucked for a few months ghosting me? Well, that sucks, but it’s not surprising. Friend, I had for 2 years ghosting me? That leaves a bitter taste. Ghosting is when someone you had some kind of relationship with goes completely no contact with you. Typically, it is sudden, and it is always characterized by no explanation.
So, what motivates people to ghost? I think the main motivator is being fearful. I do not think ghosting is inherently bad. There are many situations where someone does not deserve an explanation for you leaving, such as an abusive or toxic relationship. However, if you are literally ghosting someone because of your own personal baggage like you got too close and you got uncomfortable with that intimacy throw a dog a text message. Saying, “hey, I can’t continue this friendship because I am too emotionally vulnerable and I need space.” That one sentence is such a kindness.
A lot of ghosts are people with avoidant attachment style or are detrimentally conflict averse. Attachment theory is the concept that the way we are nurtured (or the lack thereof) as babies by our mothers or caregivers fundamentally characterizes how we relate to and attach to all people in our lives. Our mother or caregiver defines how we regulate our emotions and how we bond. This theory was created by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. There are 4 main attachment styles, secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized (a combination of avoidant and anxious).
Avoidant dismissive attachment or rolling stones as Creative Arts Therapist Briana MacWilliam likes to call them, are most likely to ghost. Rolling stones prioritize space and independence. They fear being smothered, depended on, or emotionally overwhelmed. They often struggle with articulating a complex and deep emotional life and play this off as being emotionally withdrawn. They fear being depended on because they fear being a failure. As children their caregiver was not nurturing. They themselves were emotionally withdrawn and saw the emotional life of their children as burdensome.
Disorganized attachers or spice of lifers (kinder terminology again thanks to MacWilliam) also are prone to ghosting. I say all this not to shame these people, but to give a root cause for why someone would ghost. When a part of you is fundamentally shut off from intimacy or habitually avoidant of conflict having a conversation about the more challenging feelings seems like a tall task. Even shooting out an explanation text is scary. Although, I still stick to my original sentiment that many (if not most) people deserve the compassion and respect of an explanation or acknowledgement that a relationship is over.
For the life of me I can’t pinpoint what made this person leave. I have been ghosted in the past by friends for harmful behavior I exhibited during bipolar episodes and drug addiction/alcoholism. It is 100% clear to me why someone would make the choice to end a relationship with unwell me. And although it hurt, I don’t fault those people for choosing their own well-being. With my most recent ghost we never had a conflict, and I never did anything inappropriate. So how do I move on from here?
This is definitely a lesson in impermanence, the Buddhist belief, that everything is in flux. Change and decay are the only constants for all sentient beings of this Earth realm. I cannot control other people. All I can do is accept that nothing is permanent, and that people make their own decisions. I have the opportunity to extend compassion even through my anger and grief.
I will try my best to not let this person’s fear evoke fear in me. If I am not mindful of this, I could develop a fear of letting people get close to me because they might leave. I don’t want those walls! I want a big bleeding heart for this crazy, chaotic, (humans) fucked up Earth.
If you have been ghosted and you are struggling with your grief here is a tarot spread for you.
1. What did I bring to our dynamic?
2. What did they bring to our dynamic?
3. What was the overall vibe of our dynamic?
4. Why did they ghost?
5. How did my actions contribute to the ghosting?
6. How did their actions contribute to the ghosting?
7. What would help me heal this grief?
8. What is the lesson here?
9. A Message from my Divine Benevolent Guidance
Tarot spread layout for healing from ghosting.
My example spread.